Wasted Time and Tears
by Moonglow gal
Summary: We all expect sensitive Kagome to shed tears at Koga's death, but would Inuyasha? In fact, would he shed tears for anyone at all? Short oneshot.


**Wasted Time and Tears**

_This is a little one-shot I thought of while watching the episode where Inuyasha carts Koga off to a cave so he can recover from his fight with Renkotsu (or one of the other Band of Seven peopleses…don't remember exactly who…)._

_I'm learning lots of words in Japanese! Yippee! So each post after this will have it's own new word, just cuz I like to show off!This post's Japanese word is: namida, or tear, as in, "Boohoo, I'm sad and crying." You'll see why._

_Disclaimer: Honestly, you'd think that having said it once would be enough…but anyway, Inuyasha is not mine and probably never will be. (**sniffle**)_

-- -- --

'So this is the price that must be paid.'

Looking down at the dead demon, he wasn't surprised at his next thought: 'It could be worse.' A girl's face instantly popped into his head, the sameface at thatof the human bending over the wolf demon's corpse.

What did surprise him was the thought that followed: 'But not much worse.'

He immediately berated himself for thinking to compare this overconfident asshole's death with the death of _his_ Kagome, for even _thinking_ of Kagome's death. 'I'll protect her with my life! Always!'

He stared angrily at the tears falling from her eyes. But what good did his life do against grief? How much damage could his claws inflict on a dead body? How could his sword punish a ghost? What sort of guardian was he when he couldn't shield her from a simple emotion?

He shook his head and sighed in frustration. "Kagome…" She looked up at him, her gray eyes already red and swollen. The words, "He isn't worth your tears," died on his lips. Instead, he heard himself almost whisper, "Please…Koga wouldn't want you to cry."

"But it's my fault," she protested in a voice so tremulous, so breathy, that even his dog-like ears could barely understand it. "If I had aimed better…if I hadn't told Sango and Miroku that we didn't need help…"

He expelled his breath in an exasperated sigh, trying to ignore the blush that had taken over his face at his overly sentimental words. "If you need someone to blame, blame me, okay? You know, if _I_ had managed to kill Kagura earlier, or if _I_ hadn't suggested that the others should stay behind in the first place, he might…" His words trailed off. An inexplicable pang of what he could only call regret had just passed through him, although he had no idea why.

Kagome fiercely shook her head. "No! No, it was my fault…don't try to ease the blame, Inuyasha, you did your best…"

Inuyasha couldn't stop himself from growling slightly. "And you didn't? Kagome, you tried, you did what you could. In the end, nothing we did was enough. For once, the wolf was too slow." He stepped irreverently over the body and grabbed her shoulder, forcing her to look up into his face. "And I doubt that he would want you to be crying over something like that. You _shouldn't_ be crying about something like that."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and the tears slowed. "But—"

"Butts are for kicking, not kicking yourself," he interrupted firmly. "Now…" He grabbed the hem of his baggy, red sleeve and wiped her face, feeling the blush grow stronger. "Enough with the tears!"

"I can't just _stop_," she protested. "I just…I can't believe that I'll never hear him call me 'his woman' again. I'll never have to prevent you two from gutting each other again." At this, she gave a humorless laugh.

He abruptly remembered the last argument they had had, a shouting match they had indeed had during the battle that finished him. What had it been about? He couldn't even remember anymore. He never remembered what exactly would set them off against each other, although it usually involved Kagome.

Again, that peculiar pang. And another unbidden thought: 'I'll really miss that bastard.'

He blinked. '_What_? Why would I ever miss someone like him? Always so cocky, so rude, so confident that Kagome could truly love him! How could she love someone so blind as shallow as he is?'

His free hand suddenly clenched as his golden eyes stared unseeingly into Kagome's. 'No…not is…_was_. He _was_. Now, all he is…is gone.'

"Inuyasha?" Kagome murmured, jolting him out of his thoughts. "Are you okay? Your eyes just sort of went blank." She touched his hand. "Inuyasha, I'm sorry for making you worry. I just need a little time to get over his…his..."

"His death?" He flinched internally when he saw her lip tremble. "Not saying it won't change a thing, Kagome. Crying won't bring him back. Nothing, no matter how much you miss him, no matter how much you cry, beg, and plead, will bring him back."

It seemed that she was about to snap; she looked like she was going to eitherhit him or collapse into uncontrollable sobs. Instead, she grinned weakly. "You're right. Crying won't bring him back." She wiped her eyes, then looked back up at him. She was making a conscious effort not to cry now; he could tell. "I'll be okay, Inuyasha. I won't cry anymore."

A knot of frustration suddenly seemed to tighten around his chest, forcing his breath out in defeated hiss. "Idiot. Idiot, idiot, _idiot_!" His hand, still on her shoulder, pulled her toward him then gently pressed her face against his chest, his other arm wrapping around her back. "Kagome, you're such an idiot! I never said you _couldn't_ cry!"

"But if I'm making you worry…and it won't help…" she murmured against his shirt.

He shook his head. "So I'm worried. So what? If crying will make you feel better, cry all you want! I hate to see you cry, but I hate to see you hide your feelings even more! Just cry! Cry, damn it, cry!"

She began to shake with a peculiar combination of giggles and sobs. He felt her knees wobbleand sat, cradling her in his lap. "Inuyasha…you….thanks for understanding…" The giggles faded, leaving only grieving whimpers to pour out of her mouth. "I'm sorry…Koga…I couldn't…"

He squeezed his eyes shut, hating himself more and more with every shaky breath Kagome took. Why was he so incapable of comforting her? Why couldn't he have fought a little harder in that battle, if only so he could be yelling at that blasted wolf instead of helplessly watching Kagome cry? And why, why, why did he want to join in with her? For what damned reason did he want give way the building sense of loss inside him?

"No, damn it, no, I will _not_ cry. Not for him. I will _never_ cry for him. Why? Why?" he muttered bitterly, gently rocking Kagome. 'I should be _glad_ that he's dead! We have two more Jewel shards, and we killed Kagura! So what if we had to sacrifice his life? Why am I not glad that he will never come pestering us ever again?'

"Inuyasha?" Kagome's crying had subsided enough for her to talk, though shakily. "It's…it's okay to cry, Inuyasha." He looked down at her in shock. "I've only seen your tears once, Inuyasha, and that's because you were _happy_. But I've never seen you cry in grief. Please, I don't want _you_ to hide your feelings either."

He shook his head, not meeting her eyes. "I will _never_ cry for him. _Ever_."

"But Inuyasha…" She lightly traced his cheekbone with her fingertips, silently begging him to look at her. "You won't admit it, but Koga was your friend. No matter how much he pestered you, no matter how many times you two fought, you were friends. You worked as a team in battle. You depended on him to protect me, as he depended on you. You respected each other, in your own strange ways. Maybe you weren't best buddies, and maybe you weren't close, but you're still sad to see him go."

He gave in and looked at her, realizing the truth behind her words. "A real man doesn't show his tears," he whispered.

"So you won't cry." She grinned ironically. I suppose I should've expected it. You didn't cry when Kikyo betrayed you. Or when she fell off that cliff. When you slaughtered all those bandits, your eyes were so full of pain, but they were still dry. Even when Naraku killed Kikyo, you didn't cry. You looked lost, you looked guilty, and you looked like you hated yourself. But never a single tear."

He nodded. "Never."

Kagome frowned at him. "Is that how it will stay? If our friends die, will you still be dry-eyed? Sango? Miroku? Shippo? Would you weep for them?"

"I…I don't know," he stammered, horrified at the thought of his friends' deaths.

Her fingers brushed against Inuyasha's cheek. "What about me, Inuyasha? What about me?" she whispered. "If I die—"

"_No._"

-- -- --

Kagome was so taken aback that her tears stopped completely. "You wouldn't cry for me?" she breathed disbelievingly.

He frantically shook his head and squeezed her to him. She squeaked when his arm tightened uncomfortably around her shoulders, but made no further complaint. "No, Kagome, no! Never, never, never! _Never_ make me cry for you, Kagome! I never want to have to cry for you!"

"What are you saying?" He didn't want to cry for her? Was she really that much of a burden on her, that he didn't _want_ to mourn her?

"Kagome, I don't want to have to cry for you."

"You don't _have_ to cry," she murmured, hurt.

"Of course I do!" He pressed his face into her hair, breathing shallowly. "How stupid are you, to think I wouldn't cry for you, Kagome? But I don't _want_ to cry for you! I don't want to look at you and see blank gray eyes and white, bloodless skin. I don't want your hands to turn cold, or your heart to stop beating! I never want to know that you'll never smile again, that you'll never cry again, that you'll never yell at me, smile at me, never look at me again! I _never_ want to know that! I _never_ want that to happen!"

She froze, at a complete loss for words. Her cheeks, contrary to Inuyasha's nightmare of pale lifelessness, were flushed bright red.

"Eventually, the day will come that I will have to cry for you, and when it comes, I will. But I never want that day to come! You don't know how badly I wish I could just…just stop time so I could be with you forever, and not have to worry about the day when I'll have to say goodbye to you," he choked. "I don't want to say goodbye to you, Kagome. I couldn't take it."

"Inuyasha?" she asked weakly. She had always known that she wasimportant to him. He had sworn to protect her. He had told her how she made him calm and at peace. But never, never had she seen him so emotional, so completely honest. She could feel his arms shaking, even as they held her firmly to his chest. His breathing was panicky, as if he thought she would disappear even as he held her so close. Unable to think of anything to say, she murmured, "Inuyasha…your heart…I can feel your heart."

He didn't answer, although the shaking seemed to lessen. She continued to say softly, soothingly, "I can feel it beating…I can hear it. It's beating so fast. You're really scared, aren't you?" She snuggled even closer to him, if that was at all possible. "You don't have to be scared, Inuyasha. I trust you. I know you'll always protect me."

His breathing had definitely slowed, but he still remained silent. But when Kagome drew breath to say more, he murmured, "Wait…not yet. Just hang on…"

She settled back, waiting for him to continue. After a few moments, he turned his head to rest his cheek on her hair. "You smell good, Kagome. You smell sweet and fresh…no matter how I feel or where I am, your scent always makes me feel calmer. Just smelling you is almost as good as being with you." She felt him smirk. "But not nearly as fun. Did I ever tell you, Kagome? I half-enjoy our arguments. I hate having you mad at me, but there's something comforting about them. It's like each one is a confirmation that you really _are_ Kagome. That you're still fiery, still lively, still as alive as you can possibly be. And making up with you after one is always the best feeling in the world."

Kagome closed her eyes and half hid her face in his chest, partially because his embrace was so comforting, and partially to hide her still-growing blush. Not seeming to notice, Inuyasha continued, "You understand me in a way that no one else does. You accept me. Do you know how valuable that is to me? Do you know how valuable _you_ are to me? You're blushing, aren't you?" he asked without skipping a beat.

She stiffened, but couldn't help but giggle. "And you say that _I_ understand _you_? You know me so well, it's scary."

His breath puffed out as he chuckled, ruffling her hair. "That's why I _am_ scared to lose you, Kagome. Maybe I don't have to be. Maybe I should be confident in my ability to protect you. But that doesn't change anything in the end. You're human, Kagome. I'm already a century older than youcould possiblygrow to be. I know that one day, I'll be forced to watch you die."

Inuyasha's grip, surprisingly, loosened. He leaned back and lifted her chin with one callused knuckle. "So I don't want to watch you cry. I don't want to waste the precious time I have with you on arguments and tears. I want to laugh with you and fight beside you. I want to know that you want to stay with me forever."

"Well, what if I don't want to stay with you forever?" she asked, her throat dry.

His face fell, but his hand never budged. "You _don't_ want to?"

She wrapped her hand around his wrist. "I want to be with you even longer than forever," she whispered. "I'm just as scared as you are of having to say goodbye."

He looked startled, but seemed to take it well. "Well then, we're one and the same, then, aren't we?" He freed his wrist from her grasp and gripped her hand. "One or both of us could easily end up just like Koga. So no more wasting time?"

Kagome smiled. "No more wasting time."

_(end)_

-- -- --

_As I finished this, I repeatedly had two thoughts:_

_First: They're doing all this lovey-dovey stuff with a corpse about two feet away from them?A__nd second: __This is really short._

_Ah well. Let me know what you think! (and I apologize that I haven't done anything for Silver Linings is so long, but I'm still planning the next chapter out (more actual plot elements instead of pointless events), plus I'm outlining a new fic. If you actually read my profile, it's the one about the elements, the first story under "Upcoming Fics" or whatever I named that section.I'm developing something of an obsession with Japanese, so I'll be using lots of Japanese words in it(Shikon, Hogosha, Tetsujin, Ataenushi, and Seizonsha, just to name a few)._

_Speaking of Japanese, did you know that "youkai" does _NOT_ mean "demon"? It actually means "phantom". Check freedict dot com if you don't believe me._

_Anyway, please review, because, as my pitifully small number of faithful reviewers knows, I have self-confidence issues. Ja ne!_


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